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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Satirical Libertarian LTE Against Seatbelt Laws

A letter by Dorsey Holme Kindler in the Napa Valley Register:

Dear editor, I would like to write a thank-you letter to the brave officers of the Napa Police Department and the California Highway Patrol who put themselves at considerable risk to save me from myself — twice in one week!

You see, in both instances, I was so exhausted from a long day’s work as a winery tour driver — a job which pumps money into the local economy and helps prevent drunk driving — that I forgot to fasten my seat belt between my last drop-off and the 600 yards to my townhome.

It makes me sick to my stomach when Libertarian crybabies oppose primary seat belt laws on the grounds that they’re a clear violation of the 14th Amendment and akin to extortion on the part of state and local governments. To them I say: They save lives!

Clearly I was in no position to make a decision that affected myself and myself only. And I’m eternally grateful for these courageous officers who stepped in to intervene. However, upon further reflection, I feel as though the $540 in fines I paid was not enough. The government needs to do more to protect us from ourselves.

Both of the officers who stopped me were a bit on the portly side. And since heart disease is the No. 1 killer in America, why not issue citations for unhealthy eating habits? The government should post reminders in every grocery store, hamburger stand and donut shop across the country. And if anyone over a certain BMI reaches for junk food, they should be forced to pay through the nose for their crimes. If you think about it, this scenario is philosophically indistinguishable from primary seat belt laws.

You see, officers, I’m worried about your safety, too!

It takes a village.

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